How would you feel about a birth mother cutting ties with birth daughters family ?
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No need to speak to the parents. Tell the agency.
If you are only having contact through the agency, then there are no ties to cut. Just stop getting the updates from the agency. The only people that need to know your decision are the agency staff. The adoptive family doesn't even need to know. If you wish to let them know to stop giving information to share through the agency, then have the agency relay to them that you are finding the information difficult to take and you want to stop communication for now. You don't have to close off the possibility of changing your mind later.
If I were the daughter in this situation and I turned 18 and wanted to find my original mother and learned she didn't want to see or speak to me, I'd feel very hurt.
It was one of my fears about searching for my original mother. Thankfully, she welcomed me and has welcomed continued contact for the past 21 years since we first made contact.
If your daughter finds out she is the product of rape, she will it care. She has a mother who loved her and wanted her to have a good life. Good chance your daughter would support your decisions.
You seem to have serious regrets about adopting out your child. My suggestion is to get some counseling.
My birth mother has never spoken to or contacted me and I could care less. What happened to you is your business, it has no bearing on the child's future. The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb and if the parents are caring enough to send you updates then they probably love the kid plenty enough, who the biological parents are is (forgive me if this offends you) not as important to adopted kids as people like to think it is. Just ask the agency to stop sending you updates, and go one with your life.
If they try to track you down later in life, politely turn them away, or if you've changed your mind about telling them do so.
You are basing your feelings on wrong premises. Most adoptees want to know their origins and they would prefer to know that something horrible happened than never know. You must realise that your child might live up to 100 years and all these years, they will never know whose nose they have, whose hair, or eyes.
You belong to the lucky few who get updates on the child they gave up, so do not give up this priviledge that so many bio-mums would love to have.
What happened to you is not the child's fault, she's as much an innocent victim as you are. Do you want to punish her for a crime she did not commit?
You should try to get professional help to get over the rape and see things in perspectives.
Unlike what is said above, blood is thicker than water. This child is yours and your responsibility does not stop at the moment of adoption. DNA never fades. She will have your DNA until she dies.
If you did not give her and yourself a chance, the rapist will have won.
Are you sure you REALLY don't want to meet her ever again? Please, give her and yourself a chance! Lots of hugs...
I think its the right thing for you if this will cause you more pain. Talk to the adoption agency and tell them you do not wish to have any further contact with your child or her adoptive parents AND you wish to not be identified if the child wants to find you.
Then you can move on.
I don't necessarily think that stopping the contact will make it so "you can move on". The majority of first moms report that there isn't much that does help them move on, except time helps them move away from it some. The suicide rate among relinquishing moms seems to be high - likely just this reason. Whether you are receiving updates, you likely will still think of her when you pass children of similar age, looks, you will think of her on her birthday, Mother's Day, and likely when you see a child born, etc. Most report triggers. If you need help in moving forward, it would do you (and daughter) more good for you to join a first moms support club. Google - there likely is one in your area.
It's not easy to have to tell a child they were conceived by rape, but you can focus on the fact that you love her, chose to give birth to her and wanted her to have the best life possible. Tell her that it's the choices we make that define who we are, not how we are conceived. Reassure her that you didn't give her away because you felt any blame or hatred towards her, but because you weren't in a position to raise a child.
She will be curious about her origins and if it was me, I would want to know the truth. There is also a worse possibility; if she can't contact you, she may try and track down her father instead, without knowing that he's a dangerous man.
I would recommend seeing a therapist who could help you to work through things and hopefully be able to remain part of your child's life. It really is best for children to have knowledge of their biological parents and I'm sure she would benefit from having you in her life. It would be sad to let your rapist ruin your chances of ever having a relationship with your child.
Also, instead of seeing her as the "product of rape", see her as the product of a brave choice that you made to keep your baby despite difficult circumstances.
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