A man walked into a bar. Ouch!!!
Two men walked into a bar. You would think the second one would duck.
What did batman say to robin before they got in the car? "Robin, get in the car."
Why did the monkey fall out the tree? Because it was dead. Why did the second monkey fall out the tree? Because it was stapled to the first monkey. Ok, so why did the third monkey fall out the tree? Peer pressure.
What's the difference between Micheal Jackson and a grocery bag? One's made of plastic, white, and dangerous for your children. And the other one you put groceries in.
Want to hear a dirty joke? A boy fell in the mud. Want to hear a clean joke? the boy took a bath with bubbles. Want to hear a dirty joke? Bubbles is Micheal Jackson.
what are the similarities of micheal jackson and a xbox? 1. they both are made of plastic. 2. they used to be black now they are white. 3. little boys turn them on.
What do you call a bunch of white people running down a hill? an avalanche. what do you call a bunch of whte people runnin down a hill? a prison break
I need some good jokes?
- A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped into the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom."
As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.
After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his private
The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."01
- A woman was making breakfast?
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You ' re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They ' re going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you ' re cooking! Never! Turn them!
Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
Don ' t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.
Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You
think I don ' t know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied,
"I wanted to show you what it feels like when I ' m driving21
- when it comes to buying the round my mate dave is tighter than a 18 yo virgin00
- Why did God create woman last?
Otherwise she would have told God how to make the man.20
- A lady went to the police station to file a report for her missing Husband:
Lady: I lost my Husband
Inspector: What is his height?
Lady: I never noticed
Inspector: Slim or healthy?
Lady: Not slim can be healthy
Inspector: Colour of eyes?
Lady: Never noticed
Inspector: Colour of hair?
Lady: Changes according to season
Inspector: What was he wearing?
Lady: suit/casuals I don’t remember exactly
Inspector: Was somebody with him???
Lady: Yes my Labrador dog, Calvin, tied with a golden chain, height 30 inches, healthy, blue eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken, he never barks, wearing a golden belt studded with blue balls, he likes non veg food, we eat together, we jog together *the lady started crying*
Inspector: Let’s search for the dog first!!!!!!
Girl 1- What the **** you're looking at!?
Girl 2- Did you see me looking at you?
Girl 1- Well yea!
Girl 2- Then why the **** you ask me what i were looking at, you stupid *****"
Man- Hey babe, whats your sign?
Woman- Do Not Enter
Girl- Damn you're ugly, foo!
Boy- Oh really? thanks. you look scarier than people said.
Boy- Yea I also heard that you went to the haunted house and they offered you a job.10
- Q: What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
A: One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.
Q: Where do dogs go when they lose their tails?
A: To the retail store.00
- Man thumbing a lift gets picked up by a truck and the conversation goes...
Hiker. What are you carrying?
Driver. Toilet tissue.
Hiker. It's a big truck for toilet tissue?
Driver. There's ten ton of it?
Hiker. Your carrying ten ton of toilet tissue?
Driver. Yes, and it's textured.
Hiker. Your carrying ten ton of textured toilet tissue?
Driver. Yes, and it's tinted.
Hiker. Where are you taking ten ton of tinted textured toilet tissue?
Hiker. Why are you taking ten ton of tinted textured toilet tissue to Texas?
Driver. They're R sole agents.
Advise. don't try to tell this joke when you've had a few drinks or stutter.
Blonde and brunette walking down the street when they pass a florist. The brunette looks in and says 'oh no, my boyfriend is in there buying me flowers'. The blonde says 'what's wrong that don't you like to get flowers.? 'Yes' said the brunette 'but he has such high expectations and I don't fancy spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air.' The blonde replies 'Don't you have a vase?'
Man panting for breath ran into a bar, Quick he said, what's the quickest way to the Hospital. The barman said p1$$ in that guys drink.
Man in a bar with his wife says, 'you need to stop drinking you do'. 'Why' says the wife. 'Because your face has gone all blured' says the man.10
- There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."00
- One man (lets call him Johnny) came to gun shop.
J(ohnny):I want a pistol
S(alesman):Choose from this wall (points at wall full of pistols)
J: (points at biggest pistol) I want this,
S: An .44 Magnum? And for what purpose?
J: For shooting cans.
S: (points on smaller handgun) For shooting cans is the best this one.
J: (points again on .44) No, I want this one.
S: And what cans will you shoot at?
J: Um...Mexi-cans, Portori-cans, Afri-cans..
this is kinda racist but i thought it was funny and im mexicann30
- Did you hear about the plastic surgeon who hanged himself after his wife left him?
- Wy does monk touch each parking meter?
- Sink drain plug is to cat whiskers, as checkbook is to.....?
- What did Munchkin clothing stores do with all the M and L stuff?
- Could you work in a hamburger chain? Could you cut the mustard?
- Muslims do you agree with first man on the moon was prophet (salallahu alayhi wassalam)?
- Scientists recently mathematically proved God's existence. Thoughts?
- Atheists. at would you say if Christian say i look in my family tree i didn't see any cats or dogs or tree in there?
- I have proof Earth is flat?
- What part of your body can fly on it's own?